Carmencita’s Funeral: written by Carmencita


All grammatical errors are completely intentional. Read this with a heavy Spanish accent voicing the words in your head.

Carmencita works at an office called Legal Aid Society. She’s a Cuban woman that speaks English with an accent, but she wants to plan ahead of time every little detail about her own funeral.


First, she wants her boss to give her co-workers three days off when the time comes and not to deduct from annual or sick time. She also wants everybody dressed in all sorts of colors but black.

Every Cuban lady should wear as perfume (Maja). Carmencita wants her daughter, that by the way is a SANTERA, to come with her madrina and padrino and all the collares and dressed as santeros. She wants un tocao de tambores, and the tambores should be located next to her casket and the song of Celia Cruz (Kimbara kimbara kima kim bamba!) playing while the people are entering to give their last respects.

Carmencita wants Willie Shirino live. Also, Carmencita wants a live comedian cracking jokes the [w]hole night. Carmencita would want her body to be dressed in beige colors with a pearl necklace and la pinsa de cejas in her hand with a 15x mirror just in case she grows barba hairs.

Eileen, Isis, Iris, Suzann, and Yamilet, singing and dancing to Ese Muerto No Lo Cargo Yo Que, Lo Cargue Quien Lo Mato. All your friends and family that have pets: It’s o.k to bring them, they are God’s creatures too! Please don’t forget my cotorrita, Cookie. She’s una chusma.

There will be a long banquet table full of food such as: Congris, puerco, lluca, tostones, boniato frito, chicharones, papa rellena, tamales, cascos de guayabas con queso de crema, papaya en almibar, flan, materva, ironber, malta hatuey, pinita, and una guarapera, cafe cubano and cafe con leche, also with leche evaporada.

I would like all my family to dance the electric slide. Then when the entiero comes, please don’t cry. Everyone will have serpentinas and maracas in their hands and please start with the maracas when the Guantanamera song starts playing a todo lo que da!

Throughout the entire process, there has to be commotion and the family arguing:”No! Eso no esta bien!” Another person in the family saying, “Pero como puede ser eso de que van a tocar tambores!” Then the daughter, with merenguitos for the saints, un brazo jitano next to the casket, un tobaco, una manzana, and a gallo fino. Please: A huge Cuban flag echa de claveles and la jaula de mi cotorrita, Cookie. Ella es una chusma pero I want her there saying “Todo el mundo! Que pinga pasa!?”



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