Here I am, sitting at my desk. A venti, three pump white mocha, unsweetened, no milk, iced coffee is sweating on my desk. The gross weather has finally passed and the only evidence of the unforgiving storms are the tiny puddles under my mom’s car that have yet to evaporate. They sky is blue, the sun is shining, and I am finally okay with being here in Miami.
I figure, that although life has been pretty intense lately, there is beauty in the chaos.
All of the problems that have been a heavy burden on my shoulders, are other people’s problems that they happily dumped on me. The only way that I knew how to deal with the weight was to disappear completely and read until my eyes were dry from not blinking, and my hands went numb from holding my Nook up to my face. My lack of privacy, and people picking at me for attention nearly drove me insane. Screaming children lining the isles in the grocery store, perverted old men watching me in the book stores and attempting to approach me, my sisters walking in and out of the bathroom while I showered, locks easily pickable on every door in the house. All of these things, and some, is the recipe for insanity…take a sip and see how it makes you feel.
Last night I had a break down. A real burst of energy from the deepest recesses of my mind and heart. Surprisingly, nobody saw this because I was fast asleep. I had a dream where I was running through the isles in the grocery store, running through the book store, running through the offices inside of my job, climbing up the flight of stairs in the courthouse to the 30th floor and eventually diving out of a window. I knew that I was not going to hit the ground, I knew that I was going to fly, and fly I did. I flew far far faaar away, and once I was somewhere above the Atlantic ocean with only the moon and the stars to light my way; I screamed. I’ll try to explain what happened next the best way that I can, to help you visualize exactly what I saw: I was screaming, and while I was screaming, I started vomiting sheets of papers with names of people that I know as the header, and a description of my relationship with them, consisting of about 5 paragraphs each. At the bottom of every page, was a brief description of how I affect these people. I kept screaming, and sheets of people’s lives kept on coming out, along with pictures, and cigarettes (I smoked a whole pack everyday last week), and in the end, with a heave and a laugh, I puked out a copy of my book, and my sketchbook, and my iPod, and my Nook.
The pages of these people fell into the ocean, never to be seen again, and my favorite objects in the whole world and I, flew back home. I saw my sleeping body and the morning sun gently streaming in on my little sister’s closed eyelids, and I lay back down in myself.
My alarm clock was ringing loudly. It’s 8:45am, I hit the snooze button twice. I woke up at 9:15, made my cafe, got dressed for work, and sat down with Neyleen; finally enjoying her company. For once, there was nothing negative to say, for once she asked me how I was doing, she asked me about the book that I was reading (that was weird), she told me how happy she is that she can hang out in the house again now that WWIII has finally passed.
We can breathe again.
I was drowning and I didn’t even know it. I was numb and I had no idea how much pain I was in, my eyes were open but I was blind.
At the end of the day, there is no one to toss the life preserver in the ocean to keep you from drowning. Only you can help yourself. Happiness is what you make it out to be, so pick your battles wisely.