“It’s been a long time coming”
Too long, I think. Along the road of to self discovery, I tripped over a giant rock, then another, and another. I asked myself why there are so many rocks on my path. I kept on tripping, stumbling, but never falling, I just kept on walking until another rock got in the way. After tripping so many times, the thought occurred to me to just hop over it and keep on going. So I hopped over it and landed on my ass. What is the universe trying to tell me?
So I hop back up, brushing off the back of my perfectly pretend red bamboo dress, and keep on going. But, guess what happens? Another stinkin’ rock! I stoop down and pick it up, analyze it, learn something, put it in my pretend pocket, and keep on skipping along.
I love the sun, I love to run around a pool, wearing a bathing suit, forgetting to slather myself in sunblock. Now that I work in cosmetics, though, I feel like I am being brain washed into anti-wrinkle defense sunblock moisture whatever blah blah blah, no tanning nonsense. It makes me a little sad to watch the consequences of over tanning walking through the mall, spending a fortune on wrinkle fillers and what not. Super sad. Is this the fate that awaits my native Miami beach everyday, forget the sunblock self? I guess so. (I write this as I lay spread out on my lawn, in cut offs and a tank top, soaking up the sun, listening to Atlas sound, working on my wrinkles.)
In other news! My smoking strike is going well. I started running a little while ago, and I love it. I didn’t think that I could do it alone, but apparently I can! I have my own running playlist and everything! I’m super EXCITED! I know that I might gain a few pounds, but maybe not; considering the small fact that I have made a complete change in lifestyle. No more frozen pizzas for dinner! Bring on the brown rice and veggies! The only thing that I am having a terribly difficult time with is my sweet tooth which is back in full force. I went to the farmer’s market next to my house and bought a TON of berries and other kinds of fruit just so that I can munch on those instead of the Hershey’s chocolate sitting on those gas station shelves, silently beckoning me to walk the walk of shame with milk chocolate still fresh on my finger tips. I am trying to fight these terrible, unavoidable cravings with gum and that seems to be working quite nicely. It’s interesting though, because I have tried to quit smoking so many times before, with great motivation under my belt; but I always crawled back to them when things went sour in my life. Now though, the motivation did not come from an outside source, it came from me! Me, me ,me! That makes me really proud! The withdrawals really sucked though.
I know that this has nothing to do with this post, I just really love this picture =)
I’m sitting on my porch watching the moon set in this lonely star filled sky and I wonder what the meaning of it all is. The only answer that I can conjure up in this 21 year old maze of a mind is love. The reason why we suffer, and bear the weight of it all on our backs is because there is something to live for. I can’t say that I know everything, because I know nothing. I can’t say that I am wise because, really, I am dumb. The result of all of my actions, right or wrong ,has been love. We sacrifice because we believe in something, be it God, or the moon, or our neighbor. We make our mistakes because, knowing the result, they are not mistakes at all; they are learning experiences. We learn the undeniable, the unattainable, the impossible because we do those silly things that lead us to excessive thought and regret, and that taste of true happiness, that moment we thought we’d never find is worth all of the sleepless nights. The trick is not to regret a damn minute because it was all worth something. We never suffer for nothing. One day we will look back on all that was lost, on all that caused us terrible pain, and there will be a story to tell. There will be something worth the sacrifice of that tiny part of ourselves, the struggle, the loss; and that is love. To love is to find God, and if there is one thing in life worth living for, it is that passion that gives us a reason for living. Give me a quarter for all of the moments that I have felt that warmth bursting from my heart and you will find a pauper lying asleep on the corner of that down town street. Love is worth a lifetime of suffering. To feel the warmth of heaven bursting in a heart of hell is to feel the coolness of water after ten years without rain. Don’t forget the great to hate the bad, because that is what will give the whole experience worth. Good or bad, there is beauty in hell.