Carmencita’s Funeral: written by Carmencita

All grammatical errors are completely intentional. Read this with a heavy Spanish accent voicing the words in your head.

Carmencita works at an office called Legal Aid Society. She’s a Cuban woman that speaks English with an accent, but she wants to plan ahead of time every little detail about her own funeral.

HERE IT STARTS

First, she wants her boss to give her co-workers three days off when the time comes and not to deduct from annual or sick time. She also wants everybody dressed in all sorts of colors but black.

Every Cuban lady should wear as perfume (Maja). Carmencita wants her daughter, that by the way is a SANTERA, to come with her madrina and padrino and all the collares and dressed as santeros. She wants un tocao de tambores, and the tambores should be located next to her casket and the song of Celia Cruz (Kimbara kimbara kima kim bamba!) playing while the people are entering to give their last respects.

Carmencita wants Willie Shirino live. Also, Carmencita wants a live comedian cracking jokes the [w]hole night. Carmencita would want her body to be dressed in beige colors with a pearl necklace and la pinsa de cejas in her hand with a 15x mirror just in case she grows barba hairs.

Eileen, Isis, Iris, Suzann, and Yamilet, singing and dancing to Ese Muerto No Lo Cargo Yo Que, Lo Cargue Quien Lo Mato. All your friends and family that have pets: It’s o.k to bring them, they are God’s creatures too! Please don’t forget my cotorrita, Cookie. She’s una chusma.

There will be a long banquet table full of food such as: Congris, puerco, lluca, tostones, boniato frito, chicharones, papa rellena, tamales, cascos de guayabas con queso de crema, papaya en almibar, flan, materva, ironber, malta hatuey, pinita, and una guarapera, cafe cubano and cafe con leche, also with leche evaporada.

I would like all my family to dance the electric slide. Then when the entiero comes, please don’t cry. Everyone will have serpentinas and maracas in their hands and please start with the maracas when the Guantanamera song starts playing a todo lo que da!

Throughout the entire process, there has to be commotion and the family arguing:”No! Eso no esta bien!” Another person in the family saying, “Pero como puede ser eso de que van a tocar tambores!” Then the daughter, with merenguitos for the saints, un brazo jitano next to the casket, un tobaco, una manzana, and a gallo fino. Please: A huge Cuban flag echa de claveles and la jaula de mi cotorrita, Cookie. Ella es una chusma pero I want her there saying “Todo el mundo! Que pinga pasa!?”

TO BE CONTINUED WITH: “THE BURIAL”

The Complete Sherlock Holmes: Volume 1

In order to enjoy Sherlock Holmes to its full capacity, I feel that one has to read it as if it were a novel versus a series of short stories. The reason being that there is an underlying story about the character, Holmes himself that is really the foundation of the whole book and the factor that makes the reader want to turn the page.  Although it was nearly 750 pages, it flies by as if it were half of that amount. I definitely feel as though one should read the books before watching the movie because the movie only gives a general impression of who Sherlock Holmes really is, instead of depicting the complexity of the character that Arthur Conan Doyle created. Overall, this book was a pleasure to read and I recommend it to anyone above the age of 15.

Score (1-10)- 9.5

P.S.  Sherlock Holmes is my literary boyfriend.

Yellow

Today, Steven brought a bunch of really juicy mangoes from the tree that he has in his yard. Before lunch time, he walked around the office giving them out to all of the ladies, letting them pick the ones that they wanted to take home. Genie was very proud of her particularly juicy mangoes and came into our front office and showed us how beautiful they are. I could see the mischievous fire in Laura’s eyes burning bright. I knew that she was up to something, her mind was certainly ticking.

Along with the mangoes that Genie brought into our office to show us, she also brought a bundle of papers that she had to fax out. When she was turned toward the copy machine, Laura snatched her precious mangoes from the table behind Genie and hid them underneath her desk. Genie walked out with her mind set on the client whose papers she was holding, and we did not hear from her for about ten minutes. Laura and I were preparing brochures for tomorrow, when Genie storms into our office, her eyes bolting this way and that, picking up papers then putting them back, moving things this way and that. Laura stared at Genie like she was crazy, even though we both knew what she was looking for.  “Have you guys seen my mangoes?” Laura and I stared at her blankly, we could not understand what she was saying due to her heavy Creole accent, I love this about her though. Eventually, Genie found her mangoes, and was so happy that they were in her possession again that she forgot to scold Laura about tricking her into thinking that it was Genie’s own carelessness that made her lose them.

Carmen wore a very sparkly shirt to work today. By lunch time, half of the sparkles had fallen off all around her desk and her lap. As boredom usually causes the ladies in this office to get restless, Carmen and I were particularly restless. We came up with a tiny idea that wound up affecting half of the people in this office. Carmen called me in and showed all of the loose sparkles to me, she told me to gather them up and sprinkle them on Laura’s desk. Well, I was going to do this but I decided to make small tape loops and stick the sparkles on them. Let me just put it this way: by the end of the work day, most of the people downstairs were walking out of the door with sparkle tape loops attached to their hair, backs, pants, shoulders, almost everywhere. The funny thing was that nobody knew that the joke was on them, they all thought that the joke was on the person walking in front of them. By the time that we got on the train, they were lined up picking the loops off of each other. No one bothered picking the small sparkle loop attached to my back, so really, the joke was on me!

(Pictures coming soon.)

Goodmorning time!

Rawr! To put it simply.

I have not had any coffee yet and as most of you know, I absolutely need coffee before work. Today, the clients are at their peak of annoying. From 15 minute sob stories, to 20 minute face to face arguments. This is a little over whelming. The phone is ringing off the hook and people keep on talking to me even though I am not really listening. How about that cup of coffee that I usually have waiting for me first thing in the morning? All GONE! I have to wait another half hour before I have my cure. That’s all right though! Just don’t call my office.

Chocolate chips

I will be posting a very long entry about my vacation soon. Consider it a work in progress.

Sand Flakes (haikus from the trip)

I was on a ship

where I met lots of people

and got really drunk.

~

We met at this bar

the one with the piano

and many smokers.

~

We sat on the deck

and watched the stars burning bright

the breeze was so nice.

~

A fun adventure

hanging in the Cabinet

Shipwrecked and Stonded

~

Sarah flashed her ass

here in the comedy club

Sarah is awesome.

~

This weather is great

Lightning, thunder, rolling waves

Rocking me to sleep

~

Back in my cabin

Drunk and eating chocolate

Thinking about you

~

Mexicans are cool

They like to party a lot

And eat lots of food

~

I’m stoned and eating

A giant chocolate cake

You’re laughing at me

~

Looking for the bow

Slipping through the passages

Hope we don’t get caught

~

It’s goodbye time now

I’m sitting on my suit-case

Drifting off to sleep

~

Uh-oh home sweet home

Why is everyone yelling

I’m trying to sleep

Cruiseinsomnia

So tomorrow, my family and I embark on a week long journey on a cruise. We are going to visit the crazies of the Caribbean…I can’t wait. Here are some pre-cruise insomnia pictures:

We can't sleep

We really can't sleep

Although we tried

It didn't work out very well

Well, anyway...

We are going to try again

No gaurantees, though.

OMGWTF

This job can get pretty boring sometimes. Like right now for instance. Laura and I are currently sitting here with our chins resting on our hands, waiting for the right moment to do something remotely entertaining, like find a new victim to mess with. Unfortunately (sort of) there are no clients in the lobby, therefore we can’t trick my mom into calling false names. Sooner or later something will pop up, I’m sure. Papi Pilon is about to do the second round of coladas for the office, and for the first time, I don’t feel like I need it. If anything, I feel like I have drank too much coffee.

On the other hand, Laura is convinced that I’m a little crazy because I constantly make myself laugh. She always asks me what I am laughing about and I usually tell her that I am thinking about funny things. She thinks that this makes me crazy! I love it. Oh, Miami.

(20 minutes later) Laura walks out to call in one of three clients sitting in the lobby (a very rude, and persistent client. One of the ones that likes to yell a lot until they get what they want) and as the client is passing through the door, her wig gets caught on something and falls off of her head. She did not notice but I did and so did Laura. We are laughing really hard right now by the way.

Bus Stories

Stuart: Our modern day Edgar Allan Poe. Writes spell binding stories and poems and lives the life of the main character in Herman Hesse’s Gertrude. Always chasing someone out of his reach. He is going to attempt jumping from the 100th floor of a building tomorrow only to be caught in mid-air by a sky diver named Sally. She saves his life, and he later finds out that she is a super model. They marry and have 10 round faced children.

No Name: Hates his job loading the buses =(.

Stanley: Currently a bus driver, has a very loving wife, and five very spoiled children.

Benjamin: He really has to pee but he hates public rest rooms. He has been holding it for 10 hours now which is why he is going to have to pass a kidney stone in one year.

Moma: A very LARGE African American woman. She has a booming laugh, eats anything that she wants, and is always happy.

Ramon: Fled from a South American country with his family. His wife took all he had (including his toothbrush) and left him for her boss. He currently wonders the streets of Orlando.

Santiago: Currently a veteran. I don’t know which war though. He looks pretty old, maybe Vietnam or something. He still wears his jacket from the war. He has no family except for his 25 cats and he is perfectly happy that way.

Charlie: Born in Scotland, very well mannered, and is usually smiling. He is making his way across the U.S. Nobody knows that he is the crowned prince of some country over seas. He ran away two years ago and does not intend to go back home any time soon.

Sasha and Carlisle: Two women posing as Americans, really Scottish spies with a great American accent. These two were sent to follow Charlie and trick him into falling madly in love with one of them and cart him back to his palace. Charlie out runs them somewhere in Arizona. He ends up falling in love with a small town “waitress”. Little does he know, his waitress is a princess in disguise.

SOS

So, to top off what I thought was going to be a boring day at work, Laura had a little crisis after lunch. All day long, my office mate had a headache and I knew that she couldn’t wait for her lunch break. The first thing that she says to me is “Don’t talk to me, I’m in a bad mood.” My eyebrows went up and I sat down and began talking to our sad clients. After lunch, Laura comes back more fired up than ever.

“What’s wrong now?” My nosiness got the best of me.

“My stupid mother forgot where I was born.” You can imagine my reaction to this. She proceeded to explain that she needed to apply for a new birth certificate and she needs the name of the hospital in Puerto Rico where she came out of her mother’s womb. I couldn’t help laughing at this. I got an eraser thrown at me–which I dodged–and a post it pack. I took the next ten minutes to go next door with Malanie to buy a cafe con leche. When I got back to work, Laura was more fired up than before because her father also forgot her place of nacimiento! Well, I laughed again. She says that her parents must have been on crack or something because “como se puede forget where your own child is born!?”

Now Laura is watching people fight on youtube. Looking forward to Friday/ pay day!